Whom do you trust with your feelings? With whom you rarely feel embarrassment? I can guarantee that it isn’t someone you’re still courting casually, an outer circle friend, or fuck buddy. I’d bet this person is a wife or husband, longterm boyfriend or girlfriend, or close and age-old friend. These individuals that have earned complete trust after years of loyalty and keep your deepest secrets while you’re free to be fully authentic…but not in every area. When it comes to sexual experimentation, it’s considered inappropriate to indulge bedroom antics with a friend. Even if it’s something very new, you could risk your romantic relationship. I believe that the Friends with Benefits dynamic blends the best aspects of your closest confidants with the sexual satisfaction of romantic attachments. The bond allows a safe space to pursue sexual delights with a trusted ally and, hopefully, a like mind to explore the depths of your erotic fantasies.
What are Friends with Benefits?
A Friend with Benefits is simply someone with whom you share a platonic bond as well as sexual activity. A good way to think of it is a boyfriend or girlfriend minus the romantic attachment, an all-encompassing relationship void of romance. Human relationships are often marked by a myriad of emotions and blend traits signifying a particular bond. For example, friends often tease one another as if they’re adversaries and this often signifies a long friendship. Sex is had between strangers, enemies; as a means of violence; a demonstration of love, of spirituality; as well as a means of strict procreation. Acts are often meaningless in and of themselves; in my opinion, they require definition via context or culture.
This kind of friend differs from a fuck buddy or hookup. I think the hookup differences are obvious, as they’re someone you got lucky with one night. A fuck buddy or booty call is the equivalent of fast food.– someone you call over for some quick, adult fun, knowing they’ll be leaving soon after. There is rarely any socializing aside from exchanging pleasantries or acting civil out in the real world. Friends with Benefits is exactly as it sounds: friends first and sexual partners second. You call them to go to the movies and maybe end up in the sack after, you hang with them as you would with any other buddy, except a blowjob may be in the cards. If love is present, it is platonic at most.
The relationship between friends who fuck further demonstrates that sex is not a feature of love any more than eating a salad means you’re a herbivore. Screwing is simply a human need, and I think sex is little more than a bonding mechanism colored by experience and personality. If that is true, then what better way to bond as well as satisfy your “baser” needs than with someone you trust? One who shares your attraction but arouses no romantic feelings?
Embarrassment in Sexual Exploration
I call Friends with Benefits the sexual safe space because it gives you the opportunity to explore some new fantasies or kinks without ruining a potential partner’s attraction, hurting your marriage, or risking novice mistakes with a hookup. Your sexual appetites will change, ebb and flow between categories or kink. I’ll use myself as an example — for most of my sexual history, I was a submissive bottom who loved nothing more than a few well-endowed tops enjoying me. Now I’m a pure top and explore BDSM as well as Master/slave lifestyles, and I still have many of the same sexual fantasies as I did early on but now am on the other side of the spectrum. My tastes are still evolving in ways I could have never predicted, and it can sometimes feel a bit alarming because of how new it all is.
Sex is a touchy subject partly because it triggers so many emotions. If your new interest is Master/slave play and your romantic interest comes from a history where that was real, then that kink could rightfully carry a lot of negative associations. If your new interest is some dress up or verbally abusive dirty talk, you could freak out your average joe. I’m using “harder” kinks or sexual interests to underline the importance or usefulness of Friends with Benefits, as not everything is just a new position. But even if it’s just a cool new sexual position you want to try, a hookup may not be into it, or a partner may find it demeaning. Hell, I know one guy who doesn’t like mirrors near the bed because he finds it insulting that his sex partner isn’t focused on the act of fucking.
A new kink or sexual appetite can be surprising and embarrassing if you have no one to talk to about it. If the interest develops to a point where you want to try it, that is where having trusted Friends with Benefits counts. This person may poke fun as most friends do, but at the end of the day, you don’t need to worry about feeling humiliated (unless, of course, that is your new kink– in which case your friend is very likely to help!).
The Plus of Privacy
Another added bonus of Friends with Benefits is not having to worry about a committed friend running his or her mouth off about your new interest. These relationships are usually kept a bit undercover so both parties can keep pursuing romantic relations without the fear of looking like pervy sluts (which I think is ridiculous). Even if people know that you sleep with your closer friends, as many of mine do, you can trust that when you ask them to keep your new sexual desires to themselves that they will. I mean, what kind of friend goes around sharing your business? If this new kind of play, whatever it is, turns out to be a steady desire, then you have discovered new criteria for a romantic partner and can share that information with whoever needs to know.
But, what if this new interest doesn’t work out? You thought it’d be hot, you masturbated to the idea for awhile, and now here’s the big moment…and it’s not all you thought it would be. Since you explored it in private with a trusted buddy, no one ever needs to know that you had a night of diaper play or attempted bisexuality.
It Doesn’t Matter Why
It’s irrelevant if your friend is an ex or someone you grew up with, and it certainly doesn’t matter how the sexual aspect starts. Maybe it was a drunken night where you two had so much fun in bed together that you decided, “Why stop?” Or the romance didn’t work out, but the sex is great, or you discovered common interests with someone who was just a fuck buddy. It doesn’t matter — never let anyone box you in by your beginnings. A Friend with Benefits is simply someone you enjoy or love platonically with whom you have a sexual rapport. Don’t get caught up in traditional labels that bar your needs or how you and your friend relate. Enjoy your relationship with this person and explore your sexuality in this safe space.
As always my fellow Eroticists,
Keep your skirts up,
Your pants down,
and no matter who bends over,
Fuck your friends!