Lets Help You Cum
It’s unsettling to have trouble performing an act that you’re taught comes easily, inundated with how it should be and is for all others. The act of being sexual is so basic and innate that it is difficult to conceive how anyone would have something called “Delayed Ejaculation” Who could have a problem with such a basic function as an orgasm? Having this issue would understandably lead to terrible self-esteem, zero confidence, and a nagging certainty that there is something very wrong with you. I’m intimately familiar with these feelings and although I rationalized them most of my sexual life, it was still a thought screaming in my ears when it came to bedding someone; the image of a dissatisfied lover once again disappointed, doing what I command while I desperately try to get myself off in a timely manner, coming up with excuses that defined ridiculous as the relationship went on.
This is not an uncommon story and seems to be an issue that is creeping up in younger generations increasingly often. Delayed Ejaculation affects 1-4% of men and seems to be tied more to the mind than the body, though it may be due to alcoholism, drug use, or a physical injury. Though if these don’t apply to you then there are two other options: masturbation style or psyche.
Delayed Ejaculation is loosely defined as the inability to orgasm and/or ejaculate, measured by anything longer than taking 30 minutes of penetrative sex. It is implied that the delay is outside of the control of the individual, so if you’re into edging, you’re not lumped in with those of us who have this issue. It is the opposite of premature ejaculation, both considered a problem when uncontrollable. Also, Delayed Ejaculation’s main symptom is that you can orgasm alone but not with a partner. Your hand can do it but a person cannot, you can only attribute this to shitty sex so many times before it is demonstrably wrong.
It is always a good idea to check with your urologist, but unless you’ve had some nerve trauma or penile trauma, the likelihood of your Delayed Ejaculation being physical is low. Due to an injury being unlikely, in this piece I’ll be focusing on masturbation styles and the thoughts whizzing about in the back of your mind, as well as suggestions on getting you to the refractory period.
Masturbation is one of the earliest sexual experiences one will have and how unfortunate is it that most are not taught how to do it or that it’s ok to do. A proper style of masturbation is important, while there is no “right way” there are methods that won’t negate the pleasures derived from another’s orifice. If you’re accustomed to a tight grip, no lube, and a speed of motion that no one can replicate, your cock will most likely not be sensitive enough to what another can do nor find any pleasure in it. Masturbation is training your genitals, priming the nerves for the delights to come in adulthood. I’m not too inclined to direct how you should stroke, some guys like to screw their hand like a person by holding it beneath them and thrusting in and out while others prefer to lay down and move their hand up and down. I would recommend keeping a looser grip, using lube, and maintaining a rhythm that is at a slower pace. The goal is to never compete with the real thing, this is simply satiate a hungry beast. What I found helpful was using a Fleshlight; it forced me to change from laying on my back to actually performing a common sexual position (doggy) and learning more about what really stimulated my genitals. If you’re able to get a Fleshlight, get one!
Another cause of Delayed Ejaculation may be due to where your mind is while in bed. Far too in your own head with ideas about how you look in what position, what each twitch or moan can mean, are they enjoying this or that, etc. Forgetting all about your pleasure and focusing on another’s is only good on paper, sex is a conversation and you’re not communicating. Some focus on thoughts of the risk you’re taking during sex, risks of disease and pregnancy, an almost hypochondriac solely regarding sex. This fear of “if” and obsession with prevention would also keep the safety break on orgasm, the act of orgasm, after all, does mean possible fluid exchange.
Most would say the largest sex organ is the brain and any person who has taken at least a moment of self-reflection knows this to be true. But this doesn’t mean strictly fantasy, intellect, personality, or “higher” attributes to arouse one sexually, this also means the framework for arousal. If you’ve been so consumed by idealized sex that the only that gets you off is pornography, there is an issue. While I’m in no way siding with those who scream “porn ruins (insert whatever)”, there is an issue with being inundated with fantasy. If you’re accustomed to idealized sexual activity and don’t want to completely navigate away from porn temporarily, I’d recommend sticking to only home movies; real people doing real sex. What I had done was go through my personal porn file and began to notice what acts, looks, and what not aroused me or lead me to orgasm. Then again, I’m a very visual creature. Further still, I’d even suggest using just a photo of a person; as long as they’re not idealized. You’re retraining your mind to be erotically stimulated by real-world acts. Porn and sex are two very different things, rerouting the wires is ultimately training yourself to recognize the difference.
Here are some of the suggestions I found fixed my Delayed Ejaculation:
• Forgo all masturbation for at least one week
• During the week, stimulate yourself sexually without touching your genitals
• If forgoing porn is an unreasonable option, stick to images of nonidealized people or home movies on sites such as xtube.com or xhamaster.com
• When returning to masturbating, assuming you’re using your hand, be sure to keep a pace that another human can tolerate or can perform.
• If using your imagination, focus on realistic scenarios and a point of view perspective. The goal is to identify with the act in the real world. Use what you’ve noticed about the porn you watch to drive your mental pleasure. (For example, keywords and a man’s chest or flexed back drives me nuts)
• Keep a loose grip
• Use Lube
• Wait 3-4 days between orgasm
• Be patient and know masturbation will eventually become less pleasurable than it once was.
As always my fellow Eroticists,
Keep your skirts up
Your pants down,
And no matter who bends over,
Make sure you get yours.